I can't choose for you!

Sometimes that thought is comforting and other times it is overwhelming and burdensome!

Its comforting when watching someone who has to chose between two difficult options. For example: to take very difficult medication that drains energy with heaps of side effects that is expensive and might not work.. versus to let the disease take its natural course and die :-(

But there are times when I think of..
The very obese man who is puffing away at a cigarette. Does he know that he is at double risk for like ten different diseases that I can think of off-head? Atherosclerosis, Stroke, Ischaemic heart disease, Cancers:lung, oesophageal, pancreatic etc, peptic ulcer disease and reflux oesophagitis, Diabetes and Hypertension????

The 13 year old giggling in the dark corner with a young lad. Does she know that even she could get pregnant and that could really change her life? That early sex is  risk factor for cancer of the cervix? That there are many teenagers who were born with HIV so even if she is his first sexual partner she can get HIV from him?

The friend fighting hard to keep a relationship with a guy who has already moved on but didn't have the courtesy to tell her. He doesn't call or text or see her, she continues to try.

My children(who all have names by-the-way!) who will be born into this world with all its confusions and perversions...

I cant choose for you! We all know it always seems easier to choose for other people than to do it for ourselves. Its easier to watch someone else and wonder how they can do this or that or the other but somehow, we fail to realise that we, in one way or another are doing or have done similar misguided and wrong things before.

I just sometimes wish that we didn't have to choose. That all the possible bad/wrong choices could somehow be eliminated from the population. That there would be no guns so they could never ever get in the hands of teenagers or people trying to kill their friends. That on your wedding day, you suddenly get 'private parts' which disappear when you walk out of the house and only reappear when you are with your spouse. That life was like an exam which instead of having objectives A to E just had A only.. Kubanga  life can be soooo confusing!

And yet when I think about it, this is one of the reasons we looked forward to being 'adults'. We liked to wake up and instead of being told what the plan for the day was, we could pick up a magazine and decide what we would do that day. We looked forward to this! (Oba why?)

I have often wondered why there was forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. Why did God have to show them fruit which they shouldn't eat? Why not do away with it or hide it in heaven  from them? It was thus then as it is now; they had to choose.

We have to choose. Even God doesn't present His way only. He shows us His way and lets us choose Him. I guess knowing that there are other girls but my husband chose me kinda adds a bit of value to our relationship. I guess if I was the only girl and he came to me, I would probably never really know if he wanted to be with me or if he just kinda had to.

"In between"

Now that is one place I don't like to be..
When we've set off for Kisoro from Namirembe and we are only in Lyantonde with about 8 hours to go..
When I have just started a ward round and the ward is crammed with a gazillion patients..
When you have just sat down in a salon and the lady is plaiting braids- the smallest size..
When you have just laid the foundation for the house and the building is yet to take shape...
Its that place after the excitement of beginning, when the reality of the task ahead really hits.

Recently, I was at a get together to welcome the new students. My classmates were a bit surprised that I am a fresher like them cause I was talking about how I can't wait to finish! I don't like jooouuuurneeeys. I like to get to the destination! Me I want to be a public health specialist!! Naye, there is no way of dodging the 'in between'. The place where all the work has to be done before the reward of completion.

Jesus was in the 'in between' in the garden of Gethsemane. He was heavy and he cried out to God to take away the cup of suffering. In Mtt 26: 42, He says something interesting:
“My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

I think I had forgotten that it wasn't easy for Jesus to die. It wasn't easy for Him to go through the excruciating pain that he knew awaited. It wasn't the easy path that He chose but He still went through with it. He went through with it. Some of you might think that it was easy because He knew that He would resurrect. He still had to go through the dying part.. The only way that cup was going away was if He drank it.

Thank You Lord for paying the price for my freedom even though it really cost You. Help me to remember that just because something feels hard for me to do and I may struggle, it does not mean that I should not do it. Help me to trust You in the difficulties and not be one that only takes the easy way out.

Do the work :-)

chill

This is just one happy dude. He looks all excited about the world like he just got back from the trenches in the war and walked into an air conditioned shopping mall with roller coasters. He even has a medal that shows he got credit for some of his hardship in the war. He is clearly on holiday - no gun/ sword/ pistol does he carry.

I have been like that dude in many ways:
- I feel victorious over battles fought and won. I even sometimes think I carry a medal that says something like: Grace struggled with that but its over now! She won.
- I walk around so easily drawn to things in this world, checking out this and that.
- I feel like oh! Now I don't have to be so different anymore! I can blend in with the civilians! The war is over.. Life goes on! Bring it on!

Today I realised that the war rages on. I realised that while I chal, the enemy advanced. He started encroaching again,using windows and doors I had opened. He came in disguised among the things I like. He almost regained my territory while I sat down shining my medals! He almost beat me. Not because I can not fight nor because I do not have a good commanding officer.. but because I stopped fighting.

The war is not over.

No more sleeping on job :-)

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
(1Pet 5:8-9)

Vineyards and vegetable gardens

I was listening to a speaker called Keith Moore a couple of months ago. It isn't something I usually do but my playlist was on shuffle and it turned out I had a couple of teachings on my laptop. He was speaking on Nabboth and king Ahab.(1 Kings 21)

Many of you might have heard the story before. King Ahab is the guy who was married to the famous Jezebel. Anyway, Ahab sees this nice vineyard besides his palace. It happened to belong to Nabboth. He asks Nabboth whether he can give it to him in exchange for a better one or sell it to him. Nabboth refuses because it was his family inheritance. What is interesting is that Ahab the KING then goes off and sulks! He doesn't eat or even leave his room for days(some sulking??!!) until his wife(read Jez the belle) asks him what the problem is. She tells him not to worry that she will fix it. She gets Nabboth killed and gives her sulky hubby the land he wanted for his vegetable garden.

It is almost hard to believe that a KING who owned soooooo much including fields, silver and gold, would go on a hunger strike/super sulk because he couldn't get the ONE piece of land next door. How often this happens to me! I become so conscious of what I don't have and fail to see what I have. Othertimes, I can see what I have but I fail to enjoy it because my mind is so focussed on what I don't.

This Nabboth story spoke to me majorly at a time in my life when certain things were not going according to plan. It all really hit me when my hubby was gone for about a week and I felt fake because I was by myself, had no job, had not made many friends and I felt like I was doing nothing with my life. God helped me realise that I had an 'Ahab mentality'. I thank Him for giving me perspective. I began to see how blessed I was and looking back now..I wonder what I was mopping about.

Help me Lord to always have perspective.

Give thanks and enjoy what you have:-)

more. extra. nyongeza

My first day at my faculty was a little surprising but nice. We were split into groups reflecting the different disciplines we were to discuss. The girl I sat next to said to me that she hadn't come prepared to use her brain given this is orientation week. I agreed with her! Anyway, we had to find someone to present our discussion points to the larger group. I should have volunteered but I didn't.

While in med school I heard people talk of a production that the Christian union was planning to raise money for ministry among patients in the hospital. There were frequent calls for people to join the drama team. I should have volunteered but I didn't.

Of course I could think of many, more serious examples where I know I could have done more. Sometimes it is so much easier to do just enough to meet people's expectations, to go over the bar that has been set. (For some strange reason, it is easy to miss the bar when the bar is our aim.) We analyse what everyone else is doing and once we have done as much as everyone else, we hang your tools and relax. 

I shared earlier that med school was no cup of tea for me. One day, I attended a conference where the speaker spoke on being excellent and diligent. I realised that in as much as things were hard, I wasn't doing MY best. Mine. Not anyone else's. MY BEST. I may not have been much of a reader but I was good with patients and in that area, I couldn't continue to be average when I knew that I could do better. I had to excel at what I did well. I went for my final semester determined to really,  really do MY best. I confess that in all my years of med school,(they were very many!) I have never done as well as I did in that semester.

There is a rather brief story in the Bible of 'The widow's offering' Mtt 21:1-4. Jesus said this of the widow who put into the collection 2 copper coins:

“I tell you the truth,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others."  

Interesting! She put in the least but she put in the most!!!! It made me realise that God does not just look at the face value of out input. One might be perceived as very punctual , hard working, friendly, spiritual or whatever by friends because they are 'better' than them in those areas but if you know you can do more, you should do more. Don't be afraid to bake a cake when everyone else is bringing crisps, to study longer hours when everyone else is asleep. And if what you are giving feels so little compared to everyone else- you just need to remember that yours is to give your best.

I should be done but I must mention my room-mate on campus. She was amazing. I would return from Med school to find the room sparkling clean with ALL my textbooks arranged in height order! (This wouldn't last long unfortunately as I had to read the books ;-) ) But she would do it with a cheerful spirit. Never fussed or complained. She could do more than I could.. and she did. Thanks Kyosh. Miss you.

Go the extra mile :-)

Yamawe!

Saturday was a big day in my life. I felt like a child on their first day of school- exciteeeed but neeeeeeeerrrrvous!    It was raining(as if in a movie) and I went for my first day at University as a post graduate student :-) Orientation week has begun. My husband escorted me, walked me to the huge lecture room and sat with me for the first fifteen minutes. I know you are thinking that I am spoilt and I agree that that is possibly true.

I was glad he did because I felt a little overwhelmed:
1. I knew NO ONE in this room of about 300-400 people! I am kinda tired of being a 'stranger'. After being here for over 6 months, I expected that I'd at least recognise one face but that was not to be.
2. I felt black. I know I am not supposed to notice but sometimes its too loud to ignore.
3. Bulikimu kiri ku computer!!! Gwe! EH! I even have a laptop so I am not generally considered computer illiterate naye!!! BULUKIMU!!(everything) I know it is supposed to be a good thing but everything??!!!! In order to know where you are supposed to be when, doing what, paying how much.. everything is online! There isn't one secretary somewhere that you can ask. Tewali noticeboards!
4. There is a lot of reading ahead and it looks like postgrad is veeeeeerrry different from undergrad.. God please wake up my brain.

I know I will get the hang of it. I will!

Just because.. it doesn't mean!

That right there sounds like a pretty meaningless expression.

I take cooking very seriously. I have been told before that when I am in the kitchen it's like I am doing an exam- I can be super intense!(sometimes). The husband was blessed by God with an amazing appetite but a rather analytical palate. He can tell when I missed an ingredient and I don't mean something as major as salt but just know, he can tell! I feel bad (really sad) when the final product tastes nothing like what I visualised and believe it or not- this has happened before. More than once. However, I am now a fan of cooking competition shows like Master Chef and I have learnt one thing:  a kitchen disaster does not mean that I am not a good chef!

Many of my friends know that some of my years in Med school were particularly hard. I remember walking into my father's office in my 4th year crying and telling him that I was done and wanted to stop doing medicine! He was quite shocked but I explained myself and almost had him convinced. Unfortunately(or fortunately?), all my work was undone when he went home and had a chat with my mum! It was so hard for me to believe it then.. On the days when I sat in the library failing to learn anything from the textbooks. The days when I sat in a tutorial wondering what everyone was talking about. The days on the ward when I wanted to stand at the back and pray that no one asked me a question. The day I was told off by my professor during an exam.. Yes, in those days, I would have found it hard to believe what I now know to be true: Just because I don't know that, it doesn't mean that I am stupid.

Oh how easy it is to let things or other people define us! To let having or not having a great job, money, a husband/boyfriend, things that we consider 'success' to make us come to conclusions about ourselves!

I heard this once: An orange tree is an orange tree regardless of whether it produces oranges or not. Producing oranges does not make it an orange tree. NO!! It produces oranges BECAUSE it already is, an orange tree.

Sometimes, you just need to get up and try again. Keep trying, keep going... Other times you just have to wait for the blooming season and concentrate on maxing whatever season you are in right now. The 'oranges' will come.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, 

           “In just a little while,he who is coming will come and will not   

            delay.

”And,

“But my righteous one will live by faith.
    And I take no pleasure
    in the one who shrinks back.”

 My God give us all the grace not to 'shrink back'. Not to shrink from responsibilities just because we failed before, from a chance of a good relationship because of a previous broken heart, applying for jobs because we weren't chosen at previous interviews, praying because it has been 'dry' before.. May we not be the ones that shrink back but those who stand firm in faith and are saved.