Clean slate

I remember a time when I needed this.

I guess sometimes part of the problem is that we don't realise that we ain't clean no more but quite far from it and the dirt isn't the kind that can just be shaken off or brushed off with a cloth or a new brush with fresh bristles. Yeah.. That even after soaking deep in omo(with power foam),the stain will remain. And Jik bleach just wont do it. The stain is too deep.

Forgiveness is so hard to offer and many times it is also hard to receive. It is hard to believe that He can give you a clean garment. Not because of anything you could have done to deserve it but He pays for it for you cause no amount of saving will get you there. He buys it for you and gives it to you. Clean. White. It makes no sense.

I am sure it made no sense to her either. Just a few minutes before she had been caught red handed with some guy that somehow no one was bothered about. Just a few minutes before, she had been dragged in the streets. Just a few minutes before, they were ready to stone her. And they had brought her to this Jesus for him to pass the verdict while they held the stones in heir hands. Wait.. what was that he said? He told those who had never sinned to be the first to cast a stone. She waited. Held her breath. Heard stones dropping but they were not at her, they fell as the crowd dispersed. Still too ashamed to lift her head, Jesus straightened her up and asked:

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” :-)

I know we justify our ills so much today. Claiming that there is no such thing as black and white at all...just different shades: blue, green, grey, red etc. 'What's so wrong with that?' we ask. The answer which is often more obvious when we are the offended or when we are observing other people's lives and not our own.

"..through this man Jesus, there is forgiveness of sins"

Acts 13: 38

The world that is

Over the last couple of weeks I have been involved in discussions (that I confess did get pretty heated at times) on the following:

1. Provision of needles and supervised injection rooms for drug users.
2. Legalisation of abortion and provision of safe abortion services.
3. The famous billboard around Mulago-Wandegeya: IF CHEATING, USE A CONDOM.
4. Provision of condoms in schools.

As health professionals we are very concerned about helping keep people alive. Preserving life is what it is about. Allow me to expound a little on the 'strategies' mentioned above:

•  If people can inject themselves properly with new needles- less Hepatitis C and fewer chances of vascular diseases that can even lead to sepsis, loss of limbs and death. 
• Research has shown that in Uganda for example, abortion related deaths account for 26% of maternal mortality so if abortion services were provided, we could keep more women alive(1).
• You don't have to be a statistician to know that extramarital affairs are going on. In 2008, 43% of the new HIV infections in adults were among people in monogamous discordant relationships(2). That is a pretty high percentage for married people and those cohabiting so yes, cheating is happening. Condoms can help them not infect their partners (or themselves in the first place) so that everyone can live longer, we can have fewer orphans and less donor money required to pay for drugs.

I am about to finish making a case. You see.. the data says that in Uganda, boys have their first sexual encounter on average at 18 and girls at 16 which is earlier in the low/uneducated(3). So if people are having sex that early(this study was done in 2006), why not provide condoms for the teenagers, prevent HIV(we must remember that there are a number of HIV positive adolescents who were acquired the virus from their mothers) and keep everybody living longer. Surely, how can I or anyone be opposed to life?

I must ask: Is it enough for our goal to be preservation of life? Are we sure that there is nothing being sacrificed or traded-off in the process? Are we creating a 'better' world for our children's children? What do we even mean by 'better'? We must remember that there are things that are not easily measured.

Clearly, the world I want is not the world that is. I am in the world that is. And it is not easy. There are various issues that need to be addressed but I am convinced that the 'HOW' is very important so that in the process of trying to stay alive, we do not become people that we hate. Life is more than just living but one can say that that is easier to say when you are still alive. I am committed to trying to figure out the how. You see, I can not live in my little bubble- I have a part to play in this world.

What does the Bible have to say about a lot of this? A lot I am sure but one of the things that surprised me is how even in the garden of Eden, man got to choose.

Light of the world, You stepped into this darkness to bring light and true life. Abundant life. Help me to see the world with your eyes. Help me to represent you and help those struggling in the dark to see your light. Your light that brings true life.


"Health is not merely the absence of disease but complete physical mental and social well being..." World Health Organisation.

Again

I find it hard to ask for things. Just know, even pocket money from my parents(Aby can testify). I was one of those kids who would return home with pocket money after having even been asked on Visiting day if I needed some and I would have said I was still okay. I know, who does that!! I wish they had put all the money that I refused in a fund and could give it to me NOW!!!!

Asking is so hard or me. My dad once said that it is pride that keeps me from asking and I don't know that I agree with him. I guess its not nice to feel 'needy' and like a 'bother'. The 'Art of begging' proposes that you don't ask the same person more than twice. You go around and ask different people and hope they never meet and have a conversation about you.

Strangely, sometimes I find it hard to keep asking God for different things, one after another.

 "Lord help me figure out what I should be doing with my life- I want to honour You... Lord I want to go back to school please help me with university applications... Lord please provide school fees- the rates are high... Lord help me with reading and studying as the stuff gets confusing... Lord assignments now, help me figure out what to do, do it well and hand in on time... Lord this... Lord that..."

When struggling with weaknesses its so much harder because of the continual need for repentance and grace. Its usually easier to ask on behalf of other people because that is not so 'selfish'. People generally get tired of being asked repeatedly so its easy to think that God does too but He doesn't.

(John 12:28) Jesus prayed: Father, glorify your name!" Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it AGAIN." 

He says He will do it again! I should not be afraid to ask. Far be it from me that the reason I do not receive is that I do not ask! Let us come to Him again and again and again and again and again. Its okay, He doesn't mind. I like the way Donnie puts it in his song. 

Have a lovely end-of-the-week :-) 

And Lord.. when You glorify Yourself in my life, help me remember to come back to say thank you.

Smiley face :-)

You are here!
Yaaaay! Yaaay oh my soul!
You are here!
Here with me :-)
Here to stay.

You haven't come to visit.
To sweep me up in a moment's pleasure,
And leave when you see my ugly.
You want to stay.

You want to stay with me.
Even when I make you mad,
Even when I am just fake.

You love me.
And I feel it in my bones,
And I know it in my head
(So I can remember when you make me mad!)

Baby,
It amazes me how much you have made room for me,
In every part of your life!
You don't say say 'me' but 'we'
Not 'mine' but 'ours'.

With you, I can be me!
I can be crazy me, serious me
Sad me, happy me,
Loud me, quiet and needy me.
I can be ME!
And I can grow into a better me

You are in my corner.
I come back to you,
At the end of a great day or a not-so-great-day,
I come home to you.
I know that even in the crowds,
I am not alone anymore.
I am with you,
You are with me,
My husband, my love, my home.

Home

Musings

I have had the honour and challenge of telling people their HIV status. Its so much easier telling other people! When I returned from working in Mbale, I knew I had to do an HIV test. I had been doing operations and truthfully..sometimes when taking off the gloves, I would find that they had gotten torn in the process without my noticing and I had blood on my hands. Yes, the patient was HIV positive. This didn't happen once. Plus all the splashes that would sometimes happen when someone is bleeding and the focus is to stop it A.S.A.P! Anyway, I know I should have been more careful or taken drugs after being exposed.(By the way,that's what y'all should do!!) A test was a big deal and I was kinda anxious about the results because I knew it would be my fault if I was positive. Eh! The pressure sitting on that bench while I waaaaaaaaaaaaited. Thankfully I was negative.

The problem with such results is that in as much as they are great, its not like you get promoted to the next class where there is no HIV and you won't ever have to sit the test again or that there are no chances ever again that you could be positive. Its not even like a driving test which once you pass, all you have to do is keep renewing the licence. Truth is depending on your 'activities', you can even become positive within the hour.

I guess in many areas of life we just want to know that we are done and dusted with particular things, that they will not come back. But this is not often the case. So we find that when the battle is back, we are found with no armour and no weapons to fight.

You might know the story in the Bible of Jesus' temptation. At the end, when the enemy failed, it says: he(the devil) departed from Him(Jesus) until an opportune time. (Lk4:13) There is also the story of the evil spirit which had left a person and after wandering around, says to itself: ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ (Lk 11:24) Excuse me please!! You will what???!!!

It is so annoying that it is not over until it is over! I am surprised when I find myself at this point in my adult life, struggling to be confident; battling to keep away from profane images, kwegamba my list is long(feel free to share yours :-) ) Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make everyone(including myself) fearful but I pray that God will help us to wake up and be alert.

I was recently reminded that it is not just about 'preserving myself' or 'fleeing' from evil but it is more important to actually 'pursue' righteousness. To seek what is good, to grow, develop become better, know the Lord more, not to be afraid of the risks of 'investment' to the extent that when my master returns, I return to him the 'saved' and unused, unfruitful talent that He gave me.

A guy at church put it nicely:
" I realise that in my backyard, when I don't have grass growing, there are weeds and when I have grass, there are no weeds." 

Grace, take time to plant some grass; it might save you the stress of weeding.

Daddie

I remember...
Our talks in the car- just the two of us. It still amazes me how much you listen to me.

Those moments when you haven't been ashamed or afraid to share your questions and tears in our faith; being so real and authentic in your walk with Him that I still want what you have.

The excitement with which you would bring an extra packet of scones for me :-) or the times you brought splash- after trying to remember everyone's favourite flavours, or when you brought Alvaro. You happily made us happy.

When we were still quite little you would call us on Sunday evening and say: Let's go for a ride! I just recall hopping into the car and going round and round and round the round-about :-)

We never thought you could cook.. until that afternoon you found Josh, Aby and I with sticky fingers as we had failed to make chapati dough. You took over, did the needful and walked off like a super star!

Thank you for loving mummy and together helping me see that this marriage thing is really possible.
Thank you for deliberately making time for us - those family holidays have been very meaningful and good fun. Thank You for exemplifying the father heart of God.
Thank you for loving me and telling me repeatedly that you do and that you are proud of me.
Thank you for accepting the man in my life and supporting us in our journey together.

You have modelled so many things for me. I look up to you, admire you, love you and I am very proud that I get to call you daddy.

Miss you daddy!  Australia is not that far!!!  Happy Birthday!

Stop!

Stop Grace! STOP!!! Stop!!!!! Stop panicking. Stop over anticipating the next thing and not focussing properly at the task at hand. Stop! Stop washing the dishes and pay attention to hubby! Stop running around and take some time to pray- to really pray. Not to just do those things of yours of as if giving God a list on your way to the bus. Nawe... STOP!!! You know He really gives you perspective.

I have been such a busy body. Moving from one thing to the next only to realise that there are still other things that are undone. Almost always feeling tired, getting headaches- many times way before I am even half way the tasks! The husband has been his lovely self and even cooked dinner twice last week. Yes, God bless him.

I was reminded the story of Mary and Martha(Lk 10:38 - 42). Jesus actually said:

 “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Eh! I was a bit upset with Jesus' reaction. As if he can't see that the house needs cleaning, food needs cooking, vegetables need cutting, someone has to make the bed for the visitor!!! Mary just sat there enjoying!!

I pray that amidst the hustle and bustle of life, I may not lose sight of what is truly important.