Dear Sir-mwami,

I know you are not into Vals day
But you know that I TOTALLY am!
It is just one of the many adjustments you have made since us.
You keep doing that-
Making room for me :-)

This morning I looked at you
There you were taking care of me,
Tending to me like I am your precious flower garden
Yours
Your garden
My heart swelled with joy and something else
I can't just find the right word.

I am no poet
But I am yours
I am no perfect wife
But I am yours
I am a clutz, talk heaps and even finish the words for you,
But when I am at my best and when I am not,
It feels like you ceaselessly see something in me that I don't
Holding me, grabbing me
With your arms or without
I am yours

I thank God for you
I dont know how you can be so wonderful to me like this
I am way NOT over you
Happy Thursday my love

Jacaranda

A couple of weeks ago I met a young lady who is relatively new to the area. With curious excitement she pointed at a tree like the one in the picture above and asked us what it was called. I shook my head and said I had no idea. She exclaimed at its beauty and went on to narrate how these trees had just blossomed when Spring started.

Why am I blogging about this? Because after this conversation, I began to realise that there were about three such trees on the street where I live, on the path to the grocery store and quite a number in school. They are beautiful but I had not noticed them before.

The purpose of this is:

... NOT to suggest to my single guy friends that there are beautiful flowers in their midst if only they would open their eyes! (even though this is TRUE)

... NOT to get you to figure out the street on which I live

... NOT to turn you into'plant' people

but I write things so I can remember them. I am writing this to remind myself to look for the Jacaranda... Not  to allow myself to be bogged down by the long list of things that I need to do', the 'heat', 'traffic'  or 'congestion' of life ..so much that I miss the Jacaranda. I want to be able to stop and enjoy the beauties that God has give me in this life. Stop for a bit... long enough to see and smell the purple flowers and give thanks. It makes a difference

But....

Not sure who will read this one... It has been ages! I am not even sure I still know how to do this (as if I ever did!). Anyway... It has been a crazy semester in more ways than one. I have been cramming my head to find words for all my assignments that by the time I wanted to blog, my words had gum(were over)! People who know me well find it hard to believe that I can run out of words but apparently it is possible! I even find myself below the word limit in assignments and I search high and low for words! (Yes... me the kasuku!)

I have had a couple of 'overwhelmed' moments recently. Some of them have been in little things and big things. I have experienced that feeling of 'I can't deal with this'... 'I'm tired out'... 'God please make it stop!' And I have a feeling some of you might have even dealt with stronger feelings as you grappled with complex things that are not how they should be or could be or how you want them to be and it can be in more than one area of life.

I am beginning to rant on and on and finish my words so I'll get to the point! Did you know that Paul- the big time spiritual guru in the Bible felt that way?! Hmmm....

 2 Corr 1:8-9 For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.

The guy even as if wanted to die!!! I am sure he had good reason for his feelings. The truth is that life happens. Stuff does not always go right even when you do everything 'right'. Joseph did no wrong but found himself at the bottom of a pit his brothers had thrown him into, then he was sold off as a slave(like seriously?) and even when he did that work real well and turned down the Mrs who wanted to sleep with him, he ended up in jail! Yup.. stuff happens. But there is a 'but'... there is always a 'but'...

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.. 1 corr 10:13

I have been encouraged that even though I feel stretched out, God enables me to handle. He believes in me and knows that even in my weakness, I am strong. Even for Paul who despaired, he concludes with a 'but' (remember I told you there is always a 'but')

But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 2 Corr 1: 9b

Did I mention that the semester is still going on? Yup.. I have six assignments due next week :-) Gotta go! All the best as you fight your battles this week. God be with you- and me too!

P.S This song blessed me today

Ebilowozo...

I remember standing with you under the fene tree,
We shared ball-gum,
Adding and adding to the mass in our mouths till the money run out
You and I were probably 7 and 8 or 8 and 9.

I remember playing with you and everyone at the swings and in the pool at Resort beach,
I awoke from a nap,
Tried to sleep again because I was anxious on realising we were by ourselves.
You took no notice and just read your book.

I remember your sister's birthday party,
Feeling nervous around you, hanging on to your every word.
At the treasure hunt, I picked a sweet you directed me to
and kept it for more than five years...
First I didn't want to eat it ever!
But then I was a child and knew better.

I knew your phone number by heart,
But did not have the courage to call and speak to you,
I did call though, but hang up just as the receiver was lifted.
No, I did not do it once or twice.

I tricked your dear auntie into reciting all the birthdays she knew by heart,
And listened and listened and listened..
Till September :-)

I had not seen you for years until that time my school visited yours,
You were standing by the chapel when I passed,
That's when I heard it- you said my name!
You remembered me!
We started writing to each other letters after that
I cherished every one.

Then there was that morning in Malawi,
We were chatting and I looked into your eyes
It felt like I had beheld the depth of a beautiful being,
It felt like I was seeing you for the first time!
There was a force... kinda like a magnetic field around you,
I wanted to open my heart to you
And tell you that I could see yours!
I did not know how I could ever recover from that moment.

Many years passed,
Life happened and in many ways I felt like we had grown apart,
But its strange how despite the fact that you were far away,
And I saw you like once a year (if I was lucky)!
In the silences, the phone calls and emails,
I always felt like you got me
In ways that many didn't.

I did not think that you cared for me,
But a part of me hoped that maybe...
Then came that phone call when you said that you did.
I was so angry with you,
How could you have been keeping that to yourself?
(You know that none of your excuses count)

And then came that night in Malawi,
When we finally met again after the years and the phone call,
I had so much to say!
So many questions!
Somehow,
Words faded.
I looked into those eyes again
They said everything I needed to know

Shake off the dust

Who gets turned down for a volunteering position??? I know!!! Anyway.. It is I who is writing these things to you. Two days ago I got rejected for offering to give my time and energy in reward for NO PAY at all. Eh! I filled out application forms with referees and everything and even went for an interview! I know that is not such a big deal but it did bother me a bit even though I know that the volunteering position is not right for me.

I listened to the song 'Dare you to move' by Switchfoot today and it struck me. I remembered more stressful times in my life when I felt like I was literally being thrown of  a horse. Staying extra hours to help a patient and doing everything (and I mean everything) within my power to help them only to return for the ward round and find them breathing their last. Seriously??! Sometimes everything within wanted me to stop. Walk away. Not care anymore. Stop trying so hard.

In Matthew chapter ten, Jesus was sending out his disciples to spread the word about Him. He told them (V14): If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Yup! You gotta shake it off and move on to the next town. Sometimes we let ourselves carry a lot of things that we should have left behind in the town that didn't want us. Or we just waste time walking around aimlessly wondering what is wrong with us, or concluding that we are not any good at what is it we were to do or sitting down and sobbing or pouting without end.
 
After the fall, the loss, the let down, the rejection, the fight , the fall out, disappointment or heart break... The big question is:

What happens next?
What happens next?

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
 

 Its not easy but I know that His grace is sufficient and it is more than we think. He can enable us to do and be more than we are or think we can be. 

 Phil 3:13-14 "... I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

Lies

I re-watched Inception pretty recently (does over one month ago count as recent?)Well, I was intrigued by the movie in so many ways maybe because this time I understood what was going on (I thinkJ). Anyway, if you haven’t watched it, I think you should. It’s basically about a guy(Dominic Cobb) who together with another guy (Arthur), major in extracting information from people’s subconscious while they sleep. Contrary to their usual speciality, they are tasked to plant an idea into the subconscious of a business rival of their employer. The reward was enticing and they were not left with much of a choice so they embark on this project.

Cobb eventually describes how he had done this before with his wife Mal. He says while they slept, that he planted a thought in what he descibes as 'her deepest and secret place'. Even when she awoke, that thought possessed her and subsequently led to her ruin.

It has been said by countless people in countless forums that we need to watch our thoughts. Some people even say it in cool ways like: Your attitude determines your altitude! Think positively… How you think affects/determines what you can or can’t do... There is nothing more powerful than a thought... Blah... blah... blah... These things are true but I think that there is something we are still missing.

During the Inception process Cobb and his associates had to be careful so that their target would not realise that the thought was not his. It had to be done carefully for if he realised that it was foreign, he would fight it and reject it.

There are things that were planted deep within us. They are so deep that we cannot see or realise that they are not true. We cannot see that they are thoughts and lies that we embraced which have become a part of us. They are so deep that we don’t fight against them. They have become a part of our default settings. Some of these lies were incepted by our parents, television, movies, friends, conclusions we derived from observing people or things. Getting rid of these things is hard because the lie has blended so well with reality that it is hard to tell apart.

Everyone who has ever read my blogs or been my friend knows that I struggled in Medical school- especially the earlier years. I can still remember the day that I saw the lie which had penetrated my being. I remember stopping and staring in awe. You see… I had good grades growing up but when I got to medical school, I felt like my brain had gone into a deep sleep and stopped working properly or something. I believed that I had become and was STUPID. It almost seems funny now but it really wasn’t then. I remember the day I first saw it for the lie it was. I was in Soroti, talking to the Lord and He showed me that it wasn’t true. It was not real. It was just a lie that had received power when I believed it.

I watched on television last week a beautiful girl who acidified her own face because she thought she was ugly. Lies I tell you. Lies!!! She sees the truth now but she cannot go back. Her face has had scarring and isn’t yet even fully recovered from the damage done.

The devil is the father of lies and he does like messing with our minds. Maybe you believe that no matter how hard you try, you won’t amount to much or you won’t get better? Maybe it’s that you can only do one thing and nothing else? That you have always been a weakling? Maybe it’s that you are ‘unlucky’ or maybe you blame yourself for something that happened and carry the guilt with you? Hey, I don’t know! But I pray that God will help you see the lies that you have believed which are holding you in bondage and that He will set you free. I pray that God will help us to continue to pay attention to the way we think so that we may think on things that are true, perfect, praiseworthy, good etc (Phil 4:8) For:

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Prov 23:7)

Begin again

Sometimes when I am having a groggy day that isn’t going too well, I like to take a shower or a nap, wake up and 'restart' my day. I guess in some way I kinda feel like I am giving myself a fresh start and a chance to redeem the rest of the day. Put the crap behind me and somehow move forward. Believe it or not, it actually helps.

It does suck though when I am sewing a hem and have gone quite a distance only to realise that no, I cannot sew over the wrongly place stitches, I have to take them out and begin again. I guess in life it is pretty comforting when we can just patch things up. Paint over the cracks in the wall… Wear a hat or cute band over those month old braids… Backspace or press delete while writing that endless dissertation… Put a safety pin over that place where buttons should be or was it a zip? Hearing a strange sound from the car while driving, ignoring it until it’s almost screaming at you. Going to the mechanic with fingers crossed, hoping he’ll say it’s a lose screw that needs tightening but he says it: You need a new engine. Yes, an engine!!!

A few months ago, I woke up to turn on my laptop and it just did not come on. This could not be happening because I had used it without any problems the previous day. Anyway, being in Bulaya, I figured my chances of getting it up and running that day were pretty good. I went to a computer guy who said it. The laptop was done, crashed or whatever.

I think one of the things I found difficult about my break up was the thought of having to start over. Eh! All the time and feelings put into this would have to be let go. Eh! How??!! Banange, it felt like leaving with nothing to show for the years with resulting uncertainty ahead. Yup. Taking a shower is much easier.

Even when we know that the overall outcome isn’t that great, anything is better than having to begin again!!!! The WORK involved is just too much!!!! We just want to give things a quick fix. Everyone knows that filling up potholes is definitely easier than fixing the whole road.

In John 3:3 Jesus says it. “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” If that is not extreme I don’t know what is! I can’t even bear the thought of having to go through med school again but He wants me to begin from birth??!!!! Kyoka! Eh! Jesus seems to be really serious about this begin again stuff. Hmmmm… Yup. He agrees with the laptop guy and the mechanic guy that there are things beyond fixing or patching up: You and me. No patches. 

His newness is not compatible with my oldness. He came and wants to make me new. He isn’t afraid of the work. Obviously it is a process! Unlearning things, teaching me, moulding me, helping me get rid of the crap and actually making me who He wants me to be. It aint gonna be like instant tea or coffee but more like the process of getting fine wine. He is willing and by His grace you too can begin again.

“Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins for the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.” Mark 2:21- 22 NLT