Ebilowozo...

I remember standing with you under the fene tree,
We shared ball-gum,
Adding and adding to the mass in our mouths till the money run out
You and I were probably 7 and 8 or 8 and 9.

I remember playing with you and everyone at the swings and in the pool at Resort beach,
I awoke from a nap,
Tried to sleep again because I was anxious on realising we were by ourselves.
You took no notice and just read your book.

I remember your sister's birthday party,
Feeling nervous around you, hanging on to your every word.
At the treasure hunt, I picked a sweet you directed me to
and kept it for more than five years...
First I didn't want to eat it ever!
But then I was a child and knew better.

I knew your phone number by heart,
But did not have the courage to call and speak to you,
I did call though, but hang up just as the receiver was lifted.
No, I did not do it once or twice.

I tricked your dear auntie into reciting all the birthdays she knew by heart,
And listened and listened and listened..
Till September :-)

I had not seen you for years until that time my school visited yours,
You were standing by the chapel when I passed,
That's when I heard it- you said my name!
You remembered me!
We started writing to each other letters after that
I cherished every one.

Then there was that morning in Malawi,
We were chatting and I looked into your eyes
It felt like I had beheld the depth of a beautiful being,
It felt like I was seeing you for the first time!
There was a force... kinda like a magnetic field around you,
I wanted to open my heart to you
And tell you that I could see yours!
I did not know how I could ever recover from that moment.

Many years passed,
Life happened and in many ways I felt like we had grown apart,
But its strange how despite the fact that you were far away,
And I saw you like once a year (if I was lucky)!
In the silences, the phone calls and emails,
I always felt like you got me
In ways that many didn't.

I did not think that you cared for me,
But a part of me hoped that maybe...
Then came that phone call when you said that you did.
I was so angry with you,
How could you have been keeping that to yourself?
(You know that none of your excuses count)

And then came that night in Malawi,
When we finally met again after the years and the phone call,
I had so much to say!
So many questions!
Somehow,
Words faded.
I looked into those eyes again
They said everything I needed to know

Shake off the dust

Who gets turned down for a volunteering position??? I know!!! Anyway.. It is I who is writing these things to you. Two days ago I got rejected for offering to give my time and energy in reward for NO PAY at all. Eh! I filled out application forms with referees and everything and even went for an interview! I know that is not such a big deal but it did bother me a bit even though I know that the volunteering position is not right for me.

I listened to the song 'Dare you to move' by Switchfoot today and it struck me. I remembered more stressful times in my life when I felt like I was literally being thrown of  a horse. Staying extra hours to help a patient and doing everything (and I mean everything) within my power to help them only to return for the ward round and find them breathing their last. Seriously??! Sometimes everything within wanted me to stop. Walk away. Not care anymore. Stop trying so hard.

In Matthew chapter ten, Jesus was sending out his disciples to spread the word about Him. He told them (V14): If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Yup! You gotta shake it off and move on to the next town. Sometimes we let ourselves carry a lot of things that we should have left behind in the town that didn't want us. Or we just waste time walking around aimlessly wondering what is wrong with us, or concluding that we are not any good at what is it we were to do or sitting down and sobbing or pouting without end.
 
After the fall, the loss, the let down, the rejection, the fight , the fall out, disappointment or heart break... The big question is:

What happens next?
What happens next?

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
 

 Its not easy but I know that His grace is sufficient and it is more than we think. He can enable us to do and be more than we are or think we can be. 

 Phil 3:13-14 "... I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

Lies

I re-watched Inception pretty recently (does over one month ago count as recent?)Well, I was intrigued by the movie in so many ways maybe because this time I understood what was going on (I thinkJ). Anyway, if you haven’t watched it, I think you should. It’s basically about a guy(Dominic Cobb) who together with another guy (Arthur), major in extracting information from people’s subconscious while they sleep. Contrary to their usual speciality, they are tasked to plant an idea into the subconscious of a business rival of their employer. The reward was enticing and they were not left with much of a choice so they embark on this project.

Cobb eventually describes how he had done this before with his wife Mal. He says while they slept, that he planted a thought in what he descibes as 'her deepest and secret place'. Even when she awoke, that thought possessed her and subsequently led to her ruin.

It has been said by countless people in countless forums that we need to watch our thoughts. Some people even say it in cool ways like: Your attitude determines your altitude! Think positively… How you think affects/determines what you can or can’t do... There is nothing more powerful than a thought... Blah... blah... blah... These things are true but I think that there is something we are still missing.

During the Inception process Cobb and his associates had to be careful so that their target would not realise that the thought was not his. It had to be done carefully for if he realised that it was foreign, he would fight it and reject it.

There are things that were planted deep within us. They are so deep that we cannot see or realise that they are not true. We cannot see that they are thoughts and lies that we embraced which have become a part of us. They are so deep that we don’t fight against them. They have become a part of our default settings. Some of these lies were incepted by our parents, television, movies, friends, conclusions we derived from observing people or things. Getting rid of these things is hard because the lie has blended so well with reality that it is hard to tell apart.

Everyone who has ever read my blogs or been my friend knows that I struggled in Medical school- especially the earlier years. I can still remember the day that I saw the lie which had penetrated my being. I remember stopping and staring in awe. You see… I had good grades growing up but when I got to medical school, I felt like my brain had gone into a deep sleep and stopped working properly or something. I believed that I had become and was STUPID. It almost seems funny now but it really wasn’t then. I remember the day I first saw it for the lie it was. I was in Soroti, talking to the Lord and He showed me that it wasn’t true. It was not real. It was just a lie that had received power when I believed it.

I watched on television last week a beautiful girl who acidified her own face because she thought she was ugly. Lies I tell you. Lies!!! She sees the truth now but she cannot go back. Her face has had scarring and isn’t yet even fully recovered from the damage done.

The devil is the father of lies and he does like messing with our minds. Maybe you believe that no matter how hard you try, you won’t amount to much or you won’t get better? Maybe it’s that you can only do one thing and nothing else? That you have always been a weakling? Maybe it’s that you are ‘unlucky’ or maybe you blame yourself for something that happened and carry the guilt with you? Hey, I don’t know! But I pray that God will help you see the lies that you have believed which are holding you in bondage and that He will set you free. I pray that God will help us to continue to pay attention to the way we think so that we may think on things that are true, perfect, praiseworthy, good etc (Phil 4:8) For:

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Prov 23:7)

Begin again

Sometimes when I am having a groggy day that isn’t going too well, I like to take a shower or a nap, wake up and 'restart' my day. I guess in some way I kinda feel like I am giving myself a fresh start and a chance to redeem the rest of the day. Put the crap behind me and somehow move forward. Believe it or not, it actually helps.

It does suck though when I am sewing a hem and have gone quite a distance only to realise that no, I cannot sew over the wrongly place stitches, I have to take them out and begin again. I guess in life it is pretty comforting when we can just patch things up. Paint over the cracks in the wall… Wear a hat or cute band over those month old braids… Backspace or press delete while writing that endless dissertation… Put a safety pin over that place where buttons should be or was it a zip? Hearing a strange sound from the car while driving, ignoring it until it’s almost screaming at you. Going to the mechanic with fingers crossed, hoping he’ll say it’s a lose screw that needs tightening but he says it: You need a new engine. Yes, an engine!!!

A few months ago, I woke up to turn on my laptop and it just did not come on. This could not be happening because I had used it without any problems the previous day. Anyway, being in Bulaya, I figured my chances of getting it up and running that day were pretty good. I went to a computer guy who said it. The laptop was done, crashed or whatever.

I think one of the things I found difficult about my break up was the thought of having to start over. Eh! All the time and feelings put into this would have to be let go. Eh! How??!! Banange, it felt like leaving with nothing to show for the years with resulting uncertainty ahead. Yup. Taking a shower is much easier.

Even when we know that the overall outcome isn’t that great, anything is better than having to begin again!!!! The WORK involved is just too much!!!! We just want to give things a quick fix. Everyone knows that filling up potholes is definitely easier than fixing the whole road.

In John 3:3 Jesus says it. “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” If that is not extreme I don’t know what is! I can’t even bear the thought of having to go through med school again but He wants me to begin from birth??!!!! Kyoka! Eh! Jesus seems to be really serious about this begin again stuff. Hmmmm… Yup. He agrees with the laptop guy and the mechanic guy that there are things beyond fixing or patching up: You and me. No patches. 

His newness is not compatible with my oldness. He came and wants to make me new. He isn’t afraid of the work. Obviously it is a process! Unlearning things, teaching me, moulding me, helping me get rid of the crap and actually making me who He wants me to be. It aint gonna be like instant tea or coffee but more like the process of getting fine wine. He is willing and by His grace you too can begin again.

“Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins for the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.” Mark 2:21- 22 NLT

Clean slate

I remember a time when I needed this.

I guess sometimes part of the problem is that we don't realise that we ain't clean no more but quite far from it and the dirt isn't the kind that can just be shaken off or brushed off with a cloth or a new brush with fresh bristles. Yeah.. That even after soaking deep in omo(with power foam),the stain will remain. And Jik bleach just wont do it. The stain is too deep.

Forgiveness is so hard to offer and many times it is also hard to receive. It is hard to believe that He can give you a clean garment. Not because of anything you could have done to deserve it but He pays for it for you cause no amount of saving will get you there. He buys it for you and gives it to you. Clean. White. It makes no sense.

I am sure it made no sense to her either. Just a few minutes before she had been caught red handed with some guy that somehow no one was bothered about. Just a few minutes before, she had been dragged in the streets. Just a few minutes before, they were ready to stone her. And they had brought her to this Jesus for him to pass the verdict while they held the stones in heir hands. Wait.. what was that he said? He told those who had never sinned to be the first to cast a stone. She waited. Held her breath. Heard stones dropping but they were not at her, they fell as the crowd dispersed. Still too ashamed to lift her head, Jesus straightened her up and asked:

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” :-)

I know we justify our ills so much today. Claiming that there is no such thing as black and white at all...just different shades: blue, green, grey, red etc. 'What's so wrong with that?' we ask. The answer which is often more obvious when we are the offended or when we are observing other people's lives and not our own.

"..through this man Jesus, there is forgiveness of sins"

Acts 13: 38

The world that is

Over the last couple of weeks I have been involved in discussions (that I confess did get pretty heated at times) on the following:

1. Provision of needles and supervised injection rooms for drug users.
2. Legalisation of abortion and provision of safe abortion services.
3. The famous billboard around Mulago-Wandegeya: IF CHEATING, USE A CONDOM.
4. Provision of condoms in schools.

As health professionals we are very concerned about helping keep people alive. Preserving life is what it is about. Allow me to expound a little on the 'strategies' mentioned above:

•  If people can inject themselves properly with new needles- less Hepatitis C and fewer chances of vascular diseases that can even lead to sepsis, loss of limbs and death. 
• Research has shown that in Uganda for example, abortion related deaths account for 26% of maternal mortality so if abortion services were provided, we could keep more women alive(1).
• You don't have to be a statistician to know that extramarital affairs are going on. In 2008, 43% of the new HIV infections in adults were among people in monogamous discordant relationships(2). That is a pretty high percentage for married people and those cohabiting so yes, cheating is happening. Condoms can help them not infect their partners (or themselves in the first place) so that everyone can live longer, we can have fewer orphans and less donor money required to pay for drugs.

I am about to finish making a case. You see.. the data says that in Uganda, boys have their first sexual encounter on average at 18 and girls at 16 which is earlier in the low/uneducated(3). So if people are having sex that early(this study was done in 2006), why not provide condoms for the teenagers, prevent HIV(we must remember that there are a number of HIV positive adolescents who were acquired the virus from their mothers) and keep everybody living longer. Surely, how can I or anyone be opposed to life?

I must ask: Is it enough for our goal to be preservation of life? Are we sure that there is nothing being sacrificed or traded-off in the process? Are we creating a 'better' world for our children's children? What do we even mean by 'better'? We must remember that there are things that are not easily measured.

Clearly, the world I want is not the world that is. I am in the world that is. And it is not easy. There are various issues that need to be addressed but I am convinced that the 'HOW' is very important so that in the process of trying to stay alive, we do not become people that we hate. Life is more than just living but one can say that that is easier to say when you are still alive. I am committed to trying to figure out the how. You see, I can not live in my little bubble- I have a part to play in this world.

What does the Bible have to say about a lot of this? A lot I am sure but one of the things that surprised me is how even in the garden of Eden, man got to choose.

Light of the world, You stepped into this darkness to bring light and true life. Abundant life. Help me to see the world with your eyes. Help me to represent you and help those struggling in the dark to see your light. Your light that brings true life.


"Health is not merely the absence of disease but complete physical mental and social well being..." World Health Organisation.

Again

I find it hard to ask for things. Just know, even pocket money from my parents(Aby can testify). I was one of those kids who would return home with pocket money after having even been asked on Visiting day if I needed some and I would have said I was still okay. I know, who does that!! I wish they had put all the money that I refused in a fund and could give it to me NOW!!!!

Asking is so hard or me. My dad once said that it is pride that keeps me from asking and I don't know that I agree with him. I guess its not nice to feel 'needy' and like a 'bother'. The 'Art of begging' proposes that you don't ask the same person more than twice. You go around and ask different people and hope they never meet and have a conversation about you.

Strangely, sometimes I find it hard to keep asking God for different things, one after another.

 "Lord help me figure out what I should be doing with my life- I want to honour You... Lord I want to go back to school please help me with university applications... Lord please provide school fees- the rates are high... Lord help me with reading and studying as the stuff gets confusing... Lord assignments now, help me figure out what to do, do it well and hand in on time... Lord this... Lord that..."

When struggling with weaknesses its so much harder because of the continual need for repentance and grace. Its usually easier to ask on behalf of other people because that is not so 'selfish'. People generally get tired of being asked repeatedly so its easy to think that God does too but He doesn't.

(John 12:28) Jesus prayed: Father, glorify your name!" Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it AGAIN." 

He says He will do it again! I should not be afraid to ask. Far be it from me that the reason I do not receive is that I do not ask! Let us come to Him again and again and again and again and again. Its okay, He doesn't mind. I like the way Donnie puts it in his song. 

Have a lovely end-of-the-week :-) 

And Lord.. when You glorify Yourself in my life, help me remember to come back to say thank you.