Jacaranda

A couple of weeks ago I met a young lady who is relatively new to the area. With curious excitement she pointed at a tree like the one in the picture above and asked us what it was called. I shook my head and said I had no idea. She exclaimed at its beauty and went on to narrate how these trees had just blossomed when Spring started.

Why am I blogging about this? Because after this conversation, I began to realise that there were about three such trees on the street where I live, on the path to the grocery store and quite a number in school. They are beautiful but I had not noticed them before.

The purpose of this is:

... NOT to suggest to my single guy friends that there are beautiful flowers in their midst if only they would open their eyes! (even though this is TRUE)

... NOT to get you to figure out the street on which I live

... NOT to turn you into'plant' people

but I write things so I can remember them. I am writing this to remind myself to look for the Jacaranda... Not  to allow myself to be bogged down by the long list of things that I need to do', the 'heat', 'traffic'  or 'congestion' of life ..so much that I miss the Jacaranda. I want to be able to stop and enjoy the beauties that God has give me in this life. Stop for a bit... long enough to see and smell the purple flowers and give thanks. It makes a difference

But....

Not sure who will read this one... It has been ages! I am not even sure I still know how to do this (as if I ever did!). Anyway... It has been a crazy semester in more ways than one. I have been cramming my head to find words for all my assignments that by the time I wanted to blog, my words had gum(were over)! People who know me well find it hard to believe that I can run out of words but apparently it is possible! I even find myself below the word limit in assignments and I search high and low for words! (Yes... me the kasuku!)

I have had a couple of 'overwhelmed' moments recently. Some of them have been in little things and big things. I have experienced that feeling of 'I can't deal with this'... 'I'm tired out'... 'God please make it stop!' And I have a feeling some of you might have even dealt with stronger feelings as you grappled with complex things that are not how they should be or could be or how you want them to be and it can be in more than one area of life.

I am beginning to rant on and on and finish my words so I'll get to the point! Did you know that Paul- the big time spiritual guru in the Bible felt that way?! Hmmm....

 2 Corr 1:8-9 For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.

The guy even as if wanted to die!!! I am sure he had good reason for his feelings. The truth is that life happens. Stuff does not always go right even when you do everything 'right'. Joseph did no wrong but found himself at the bottom of a pit his brothers had thrown him into, then he was sold off as a slave(like seriously?) and even when he did that work real well and turned down the Mrs who wanted to sleep with him, he ended up in jail! Yup.. stuff happens. But there is a 'but'... there is always a 'but'...

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.. 1 corr 10:13

I have been encouraged that even though I feel stretched out, God enables me to handle. He believes in me and knows that even in my weakness, I am strong. Even for Paul who despaired, he concludes with a 'but' (remember I told you there is always a 'but')

But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 2 Corr 1: 9b

Did I mention that the semester is still going on? Yup.. I have six assignments due next week :-) Gotta go! All the best as you fight your battles this week. God be with you- and me too!

P.S This song blessed me today

Ebilowozo...

I remember standing with you under the fene tree,
We shared ball-gum,
Adding and adding to the mass in our mouths till the money run out
You and I were probably 7 and 8 or 8 and 9.

I remember playing with you and everyone at the swings and in the pool at Resort beach,
I awoke from a nap,
Tried to sleep again because I was anxious on realising we were by ourselves.
You took no notice and just read your book.

I remember your sister's birthday party,
Feeling nervous around you, hanging on to your every word.
At the treasure hunt, I picked a sweet you directed me to
and kept it for more than five years...
First I didn't want to eat it ever!
But then I was a child and knew better.

I knew your phone number by heart,
But did not have the courage to call and speak to you,
I did call though, but hang up just as the receiver was lifted.
No, I did not do it once or twice.

I tricked your dear auntie into reciting all the birthdays she knew by heart,
And listened and listened and listened..
Till September :-)

I had not seen you for years until that time my school visited yours,
You were standing by the chapel when I passed,
That's when I heard it- you said my name!
You remembered me!
We started writing to each other letters after that
I cherished every one.

Then there was that morning in Malawi,
We were chatting and I looked into your eyes
It felt like I had beheld the depth of a beautiful being,
It felt like I was seeing you for the first time!
There was a force... kinda like a magnetic field around you,
I wanted to open my heart to you
And tell you that I could see yours!
I did not know how I could ever recover from that moment.

Many years passed,
Life happened and in many ways I felt like we had grown apart,
But its strange how despite the fact that you were far away,
And I saw you like once a year (if I was lucky)!
In the silences, the phone calls and emails,
I always felt like you got me
In ways that many didn't.

I did not think that you cared for me,
But a part of me hoped that maybe...
Then came that phone call when you said that you did.
I was so angry with you,
How could you have been keeping that to yourself?
(You know that none of your excuses count)

And then came that night in Malawi,
When we finally met again after the years and the phone call,
I had so much to say!
So many questions!
Somehow,
Words faded.
I looked into those eyes again
They said everything I needed to know

Shake off the dust

Who gets turned down for a volunteering position??? I know!!! Anyway.. It is I who is writing these things to you. Two days ago I got rejected for offering to give my time and energy in reward for NO PAY at all. Eh! I filled out application forms with referees and everything and even went for an interview! I know that is not such a big deal but it did bother me a bit even though I know that the volunteering position is not right for me.

I listened to the song 'Dare you to move' by Switchfoot today and it struck me. I remembered more stressful times in my life when I felt like I was literally being thrown of  a horse. Staying extra hours to help a patient and doing everything (and I mean everything) within my power to help them only to return for the ward round and find them breathing their last. Seriously??! Sometimes everything within wanted me to stop. Walk away. Not care anymore. Stop trying so hard.

In Matthew chapter ten, Jesus was sending out his disciples to spread the word about Him. He told them (V14): If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Yup! You gotta shake it off and move on to the next town. Sometimes we let ourselves carry a lot of things that we should have left behind in the town that didn't want us. Or we just waste time walking around aimlessly wondering what is wrong with us, or concluding that we are not any good at what is it we were to do or sitting down and sobbing or pouting without end.
 
After the fall, the loss, the let down, the rejection, the fight , the fall out, disappointment or heart break... The big question is:

What happens next?
What happens next?

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
 

 Its not easy but I know that His grace is sufficient and it is more than we think. He can enable us to do and be more than we are or think we can be. 

 Phil 3:13-14 "... I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

Lies

I re-watched Inception pretty recently (does over one month ago count as recent?)Well, I was intrigued by the movie in so many ways maybe because this time I understood what was going on (I thinkJ). Anyway, if you haven’t watched it, I think you should. It’s basically about a guy(Dominic Cobb) who together with another guy (Arthur), major in extracting information from people’s subconscious while they sleep. Contrary to their usual speciality, they are tasked to plant an idea into the subconscious of a business rival of their employer. The reward was enticing and they were not left with much of a choice so they embark on this project.

Cobb eventually describes how he had done this before with his wife Mal. He says while they slept, that he planted a thought in what he descibes as 'her deepest and secret place'. Even when she awoke, that thought possessed her and subsequently led to her ruin.

It has been said by countless people in countless forums that we need to watch our thoughts. Some people even say it in cool ways like: Your attitude determines your altitude! Think positively… How you think affects/determines what you can or can’t do... There is nothing more powerful than a thought... Blah... blah... blah... These things are true but I think that there is something we are still missing.

During the Inception process Cobb and his associates had to be careful so that their target would not realise that the thought was not his. It had to be done carefully for if he realised that it was foreign, he would fight it and reject it.

There are things that were planted deep within us. They are so deep that we cannot see or realise that they are not true. We cannot see that they are thoughts and lies that we embraced which have become a part of us. They are so deep that we don’t fight against them. They have become a part of our default settings. Some of these lies were incepted by our parents, television, movies, friends, conclusions we derived from observing people or things. Getting rid of these things is hard because the lie has blended so well with reality that it is hard to tell apart.

Everyone who has ever read my blogs or been my friend knows that I struggled in Medical school- especially the earlier years. I can still remember the day that I saw the lie which had penetrated my being. I remember stopping and staring in awe. You see… I had good grades growing up but when I got to medical school, I felt like my brain had gone into a deep sleep and stopped working properly or something. I believed that I had become and was STUPID. It almost seems funny now but it really wasn’t then. I remember the day I first saw it for the lie it was. I was in Soroti, talking to the Lord and He showed me that it wasn’t true. It was not real. It was just a lie that had received power when I believed it.

I watched on television last week a beautiful girl who acidified her own face because she thought she was ugly. Lies I tell you. Lies!!! She sees the truth now but she cannot go back. Her face has had scarring and isn’t yet even fully recovered from the damage done.

The devil is the father of lies and he does like messing with our minds. Maybe you believe that no matter how hard you try, you won’t amount to much or you won’t get better? Maybe it’s that you can only do one thing and nothing else? That you have always been a weakling? Maybe it’s that you are ‘unlucky’ or maybe you blame yourself for something that happened and carry the guilt with you? Hey, I don’t know! But I pray that God will help you see the lies that you have believed which are holding you in bondage and that He will set you free. I pray that God will help us to continue to pay attention to the way we think so that we may think on things that are true, perfect, praiseworthy, good etc (Phil 4:8) For:

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Prov 23:7)

Begin again

Sometimes when I am having a groggy day that isn’t going too well, I like to take a shower or a nap, wake up and 'restart' my day. I guess in some way I kinda feel like I am giving myself a fresh start and a chance to redeem the rest of the day. Put the crap behind me and somehow move forward. Believe it or not, it actually helps.

It does suck though when I am sewing a hem and have gone quite a distance only to realise that no, I cannot sew over the wrongly place stitches, I have to take them out and begin again. I guess in life it is pretty comforting when we can just patch things up. Paint over the cracks in the wall… Wear a hat or cute band over those month old braids… Backspace or press delete while writing that endless dissertation… Put a safety pin over that place where buttons should be or was it a zip? Hearing a strange sound from the car while driving, ignoring it until it’s almost screaming at you. Going to the mechanic with fingers crossed, hoping he’ll say it’s a lose screw that needs tightening but he says it: You need a new engine. Yes, an engine!!!

A few months ago, I woke up to turn on my laptop and it just did not come on. This could not be happening because I had used it without any problems the previous day. Anyway, being in Bulaya, I figured my chances of getting it up and running that day were pretty good. I went to a computer guy who said it. The laptop was done, crashed or whatever.

I think one of the things I found difficult about my break up was the thought of having to start over. Eh! All the time and feelings put into this would have to be let go. Eh! How??!! Banange, it felt like leaving with nothing to show for the years with resulting uncertainty ahead. Yup. Taking a shower is much easier.

Even when we know that the overall outcome isn’t that great, anything is better than having to begin again!!!! The WORK involved is just too much!!!! We just want to give things a quick fix. Everyone knows that filling up potholes is definitely easier than fixing the whole road.

In John 3:3 Jesus says it. “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” If that is not extreme I don’t know what is! I can’t even bear the thought of having to go through med school again but He wants me to begin from birth??!!!! Kyoka! Eh! Jesus seems to be really serious about this begin again stuff. Hmmmm… Yup. He agrees with the laptop guy and the mechanic guy that there are things beyond fixing or patching up: You and me. No patches. 

His newness is not compatible with my oldness. He came and wants to make me new. He isn’t afraid of the work. Obviously it is a process! Unlearning things, teaching me, moulding me, helping me get rid of the crap and actually making me who He wants me to be. It aint gonna be like instant tea or coffee but more like the process of getting fine wine. He is willing and by His grace you too can begin again.

“Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins for the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.” Mark 2:21- 22 NLT

Clean slate

I remember a time when I needed this.

I guess sometimes part of the problem is that we don't realise that we ain't clean no more but quite far from it and the dirt isn't the kind that can just be shaken off or brushed off with a cloth or a new brush with fresh bristles. Yeah.. That even after soaking deep in omo(with power foam),the stain will remain. And Jik bleach just wont do it. The stain is too deep.

Forgiveness is so hard to offer and many times it is also hard to receive. It is hard to believe that He can give you a clean garment. Not because of anything you could have done to deserve it but He pays for it for you cause no amount of saving will get you there. He buys it for you and gives it to you. Clean. White. It makes no sense.

I am sure it made no sense to her either. Just a few minutes before she had been caught red handed with some guy that somehow no one was bothered about. Just a few minutes before, she had been dragged in the streets. Just a few minutes before, they were ready to stone her. And they had brought her to this Jesus for him to pass the verdict while they held the stones in heir hands. Wait.. what was that he said? He told those who had never sinned to be the first to cast a stone. She waited. Held her breath. Heard stones dropping but they were not at her, they fell as the crowd dispersed. Still too ashamed to lift her head, Jesus straightened her up and asked:

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” :-)

I know we justify our ills so much today. Claiming that there is no such thing as black and white at all...just different shades: blue, green, grey, red etc. 'What's so wrong with that?' we ask. The answer which is often more obvious when we are the offended or when we are observing other people's lives and not our own.

"..through this man Jesus, there is forgiveness of sins"

Acts 13: 38

The world that is

Over the last couple of weeks I have been involved in discussions (that I confess did get pretty heated at times) on the following:

1. Provision of needles and supervised injection rooms for drug users.
2. Legalisation of abortion and provision of safe abortion services.
3. The famous billboard around Mulago-Wandegeya: IF CHEATING, USE A CONDOM.
4. Provision of condoms in schools.

As health professionals we are very concerned about helping keep people alive. Preserving life is what it is about. Allow me to expound a little on the 'strategies' mentioned above:

•  If people can inject themselves properly with new needles- less Hepatitis C and fewer chances of vascular diseases that can even lead to sepsis, loss of limbs and death. 
• Research has shown that in Uganda for example, abortion related deaths account for 26% of maternal mortality so if abortion services were provided, we could keep more women alive(1).
• You don't have to be a statistician to know that extramarital affairs are going on. In 2008, 43% of the new HIV infections in adults were among people in monogamous discordant relationships(2). That is a pretty high percentage for married people and those cohabiting so yes, cheating is happening. Condoms can help them not infect their partners (or themselves in the first place) so that everyone can live longer, we can have fewer orphans and less donor money required to pay for drugs.

I am about to finish making a case. You see.. the data says that in Uganda, boys have their first sexual encounter on average at 18 and girls at 16 which is earlier in the low/uneducated(3). So if people are having sex that early(this study was done in 2006), why not provide condoms for the teenagers, prevent HIV(we must remember that there are a number of HIV positive adolescents who were acquired the virus from their mothers) and keep everybody living longer. Surely, how can I or anyone be opposed to life?

I must ask: Is it enough for our goal to be preservation of life? Are we sure that there is nothing being sacrificed or traded-off in the process? Are we creating a 'better' world for our children's children? What do we even mean by 'better'? We must remember that there are things that are not easily measured.

Clearly, the world I want is not the world that is. I am in the world that is. And it is not easy. There are various issues that need to be addressed but I am convinced that the 'HOW' is very important so that in the process of trying to stay alive, we do not become people that we hate. Life is more than just living but one can say that that is easier to say when you are still alive. I am committed to trying to figure out the how. You see, I can not live in my little bubble- I have a part to play in this world.

What does the Bible have to say about a lot of this? A lot I am sure but one of the things that surprised me is how even in the garden of Eden, man got to choose.

Light of the world, You stepped into this darkness to bring light and true life. Abundant life. Help me to see the world with your eyes. Help me to represent you and help those struggling in the dark to see your light. Your light that brings true life.


"Health is not merely the absence of disease but complete physical mental and social well being..." World Health Organisation.

Again

I find it hard to ask for things. Just know, even pocket money from my parents(Aby can testify). I was one of those kids who would return home with pocket money after having even been asked on Visiting day if I needed some and I would have said I was still okay. I know, who does that!! I wish they had put all the money that I refused in a fund and could give it to me NOW!!!!

Asking is so hard or me. My dad once said that it is pride that keeps me from asking and I don't know that I agree with him. I guess its not nice to feel 'needy' and like a 'bother'. The 'Art of begging' proposes that you don't ask the same person more than twice. You go around and ask different people and hope they never meet and have a conversation about you.

Strangely, sometimes I find it hard to keep asking God for different things, one after another.

 "Lord help me figure out what I should be doing with my life- I want to honour You... Lord I want to go back to school please help me with university applications... Lord please provide school fees- the rates are high... Lord help me with reading and studying as the stuff gets confusing... Lord assignments now, help me figure out what to do, do it well and hand in on time... Lord this... Lord that..."

When struggling with weaknesses its so much harder because of the continual need for repentance and grace. Its usually easier to ask on behalf of other people because that is not so 'selfish'. People generally get tired of being asked repeatedly so its easy to think that God does too but He doesn't.

(John 12:28) Jesus prayed: Father, glorify your name!" Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it AGAIN." 

He says He will do it again! I should not be afraid to ask. Far be it from me that the reason I do not receive is that I do not ask! Let us come to Him again and again and again and again and again. Its okay, He doesn't mind. I like the way Donnie puts it in his song. 

Have a lovely end-of-the-week :-) 

And Lord.. when You glorify Yourself in my life, help me remember to come back to say thank you.

Smiley face :-)

You are here!
Yaaaay! Yaaay oh my soul!
You are here!
Here with me :-)
Here to stay.

You haven't come to visit.
To sweep me up in a moment's pleasure,
And leave when you see my ugly.
You want to stay.

You want to stay with me.
Even when I make you mad,
Even when I am just fake.

You love me.
And I feel it in my bones,
And I know it in my head
(So I can remember when you make me mad!)

Baby,
It amazes me how much you have made room for me,
In every part of your life!
You don't say say 'me' but 'we'
Not 'mine' but 'ours'.

With you, I can be me!
I can be crazy me, serious me
Sad me, happy me,
Loud me, quiet and needy me.
I can be ME!
And I can grow into a better me

You are in my corner.
I come back to you,
At the end of a great day or a not-so-great-day,
I come home to you.
I know that even in the crowds,
I am not alone anymore.
I am with you,
You are with me,
My husband, my love, my home.

Home

Musings

I have had the honour and challenge of telling people their HIV status. Its so much easier telling other people! When I returned from working in Mbale, I knew I had to do an HIV test. I had been doing operations and truthfully..sometimes when taking off the gloves, I would find that they had gotten torn in the process without my noticing and I had blood on my hands. Yes, the patient was HIV positive. This didn't happen once. Plus all the splashes that would sometimes happen when someone is bleeding and the focus is to stop it A.S.A.P! Anyway, I know I should have been more careful or taken drugs after being exposed.(By the way,that's what y'all should do!!) A test was a big deal and I was kinda anxious about the results because I knew it would be my fault if I was positive. Eh! The pressure sitting on that bench while I waaaaaaaaaaaaited. Thankfully I was negative.

The problem with such results is that in as much as they are great, its not like you get promoted to the next class where there is no HIV and you won't ever have to sit the test again or that there are no chances ever again that you could be positive. Its not even like a driving test which once you pass, all you have to do is keep renewing the licence. Truth is depending on your 'activities', you can even become positive within the hour.

I guess in many areas of life we just want to know that we are done and dusted with particular things, that they will not come back. But this is not often the case. So we find that when the battle is back, we are found with no armour and no weapons to fight.

You might know the story in the Bible of Jesus' temptation. At the end, when the enemy failed, it says: he(the devil) departed from Him(Jesus) until an opportune time. (Lk4:13) There is also the story of the evil spirit which had left a person and after wandering around, says to itself: ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ (Lk 11:24) Excuse me please!! You will what???!!!

It is so annoying that it is not over until it is over! I am surprised when I find myself at this point in my adult life, struggling to be confident; battling to keep away from profane images, kwegamba my list is long(feel free to share yours :-) ) Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to make everyone(including myself) fearful but I pray that God will help us to wake up and be alert.

I was recently reminded that it is not just about 'preserving myself' or 'fleeing' from evil but it is more important to actually 'pursue' righteousness. To seek what is good, to grow, develop become better, know the Lord more, not to be afraid of the risks of 'investment' to the extent that when my master returns, I return to him the 'saved' and unused, unfruitful talent that He gave me.

A guy at church put it nicely:
" I realise that in my backyard, when I don't have grass growing, there are weeds and when I have grass, there are no weeds." 

Grace, take time to plant some grass; it might save you the stress of weeding.

Daddie

I remember...
Our talks in the car- just the two of us. It still amazes me how much you listen to me.

Those moments when you haven't been ashamed or afraid to share your questions and tears in our faith; being so real and authentic in your walk with Him that I still want what you have.

The excitement with which you would bring an extra packet of scones for me :-) or the times you brought splash- after trying to remember everyone's favourite flavours, or when you brought Alvaro. You happily made us happy.

When we were still quite little you would call us on Sunday evening and say: Let's go for a ride! I just recall hopping into the car and going round and round and round the round-about :-)

We never thought you could cook.. until that afternoon you found Josh, Aby and I with sticky fingers as we had failed to make chapati dough. You took over, did the needful and walked off like a super star!

Thank you for loving mummy and together helping me see that this marriage thing is really possible.
Thank you for deliberately making time for us - those family holidays have been very meaningful and good fun. Thank You for exemplifying the father heart of God.
Thank you for loving me and telling me repeatedly that you do and that you are proud of me.
Thank you for accepting the man in my life and supporting us in our journey together.

You have modelled so many things for me. I look up to you, admire you, love you and I am very proud that I get to call you daddy.

Miss you daddy!  Australia is not that far!!!  Happy Birthday!

Stop!

Stop Grace! STOP!!! Stop!!!!! Stop panicking. Stop over anticipating the next thing and not focussing properly at the task at hand. Stop! Stop washing the dishes and pay attention to hubby! Stop running around and take some time to pray- to really pray. Not to just do those things of yours of as if giving God a list on your way to the bus. Nawe... STOP!!! You know He really gives you perspective.

I have been such a busy body. Moving from one thing to the next only to realise that there are still other things that are undone. Almost always feeling tired, getting headaches- many times way before I am even half way the tasks! The husband has been his lovely self and even cooked dinner twice last week. Yes, God bless him.

I was reminded the story of Mary and Martha(Lk 10:38 - 42). Jesus actually said:

 “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Eh! I was a bit upset with Jesus' reaction. As if he can't see that the house needs cleaning, food needs cooking, vegetables need cutting, someone has to make the bed for the visitor!!! Mary just sat there enjoying!!

I pray that amidst the hustle and bustle of life, I may not lose sight of what is truly important.

GaHiSco (aka Gayaza) reminisce...

This is possibly the only time in the year that I actually miss being in secondary school. I just really miss Gayaza at Easter time. I totally(ok, maybe not totally) did not mind that we did not get to go home for that break but stayed at school. We had such a great programme! It began from Palm Sunday. This year, I realised that it was Palm Sunday towards the end of the day when I was checking out my facebook page! Imagine!!!!! We had even gone to church but nada palms! Nada Hosanna in the highest!!! Nada! At least in Uganda, the boda boda guys remind you cause almost everyone has a palm leaf. I did not see any palm leaves this year in this Bulaaya of mine :-(

In school,the A-levels would do an Easter play- Part one on good Friday, finishing the story on Easter night. And how I loved Easter morning! We would rise early and join the chapel choir, walking around the whole school from teachers' houses to the different girls' dormitories starting at 5a.m singing Easter carols and shouting: The Lord is Risen. Then, waiting for the people we are singing to to respond: He is Risen indeed(if they were awake). The service that followed was such a big deal especially when I was in S.1- People came to school with Easter 'veeh'(clothes) which was a new concept as I had never had clothes specifically for Easter. I felt a little left out but eventually found a way to make it work. I remember a friend styled my hair using papers which I had to sleep with in my hair from the previous night. I think the hairstyle helped. I loved the carols: He is risen; Up from the grave He arose; He is risen,risen,risen :-)

Even in the absence of such nice tradition, I am still able to enjoy this period. And that is not just cause of the public holidays(for which I thank You Lord!) but because I do realise how big a deal this all this. He that endured humiliation on the cross; He that bore the weight of the sin of the world- so much that the Father turned His face away; He that conquered sin and death and rose again triumphant; He is my Saviour. He is my Lord.

He died. But, He rose again- Hallelujah! The story does not end with dying.

School time :-)

Munange 'Academia' has started so it may show  up once in a while on the blogs :-) I am adjusting to all the 'computerness' in my course and even beginning to see it as a huge blessing! Just know.. I .T is my new friend! It helps a lot and really simplifies life though it ain't too great at first impressions. Turns out there are programmes which can help with referencing(Endnote) These guys record lectures so we can re-watch them online if we need to. Slides and study guides are available online as well as library links for most of the required readings which are available online!!! And did I mention, we also have online tutors!! Eh! What is this???!!! Its a ka brain heaven of sorts.

I appreciate the little things: lectures on time, countless good toilets with tissue, mid semester breaks(ok,this one week off is not a small thing!) and it has been a while since I was actually taught so I do enjoy that heaps. When I told my mum, she said that I have no excuse to fail! Trust her to turn my bliss into pressure!!!

I am learning and trying real hard to put in the work and make the most of this.

I can't choose for you!

Sometimes that thought is comforting and other times it is overwhelming and burdensome!

Its comforting when watching someone who has to chose between two difficult options. For example: to take very difficult medication that drains energy with heaps of side effects that is expensive and might not work.. versus to let the disease take its natural course and die :-(

But there are times when I think of..
The very obese man who is puffing away at a cigarette. Does he know that he is at double risk for like ten different diseases that I can think of off-head? Atherosclerosis, Stroke, Ischaemic heart disease, Cancers:lung, oesophageal, pancreatic etc, peptic ulcer disease and reflux oesophagitis, Diabetes and Hypertension????

The 13 year old giggling in the dark corner with a young lad. Does she know that even she could get pregnant and that could really change her life? That early sex is  risk factor for cancer of the cervix? That there are many teenagers who were born with HIV so even if she is his first sexual partner she can get HIV from him?

The friend fighting hard to keep a relationship with a guy who has already moved on but didn't have the courtesy to tell her. He doesn't call or text or see her, she continues to try.

My children(who all have names by-the-way!) who will be born into this world with all its confusions and perversions...

I cant choose for you! We all know it always seems easier to choose for other people than to do it for ourselves. Its easier to watch someone else and wonder how they can do this or that or the other but somehow, we fail to realise that we, in one way or another are doing or have done similar misguided and wrong things before.

I just sometimes wish that we didn't have to choose. That all the possible bad/wrong choices could somehow be eliminated from the population. That there would be no guns so they could never ever get in the hands of teenagers or people trying to kill their friends. That on your wedding day, you suddenly get 'private parts' which disappear when you walk out of the house and only reappear when you are with your spouse. That life was like an exam which instead of having objectives A to E just had A only.. Kubanga  life can be soooo confusing!

And yet when I think about it, this is one of the reasons we looked forward to being 'adults'. We liked to wake up and instead of being told what the plan for the day was, we could pick up a magazine and decide what we would do that day. We looked forward to this! (Oba why?)

I have often wondered why there was forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. Why did God have to show them fruit which they shouldn't eat? Why not do away with it or hide it in heaven  from them? It was thus then as it is now; they had to choose.

We have to choose. Even God doesn't present His way only. He shows us His way and lets us choose Him. I guess knowing that there are other girls but my husband chose me kinda adds a bit of value to our relationship. I guess if I was the only girl and he came to me, I would probably never really know if he wanted to be with me or if he just kinda had to.

"In between"

Now that is one place I don't like to be..
When we've set off for Kisoro from Namirembe and we are only in Lyantonde with about 8 hours to go..
When I have just started a ward round and the ward is crammed with a gazillion patients..
When you have just sat down in a salon and the lady is plaiting braids- the smallest size..
When you have just laid the foundation for the house and the building is yet to take shape...
Its that place after the excitement of beginning, when the reality of the task ahead really hits.

Recently, I was at a get together to welcome the new students. My classmates were a bit surprised that I am a fresher like them cause I was talking about how I can't wait to finish! I don't like jooouuuurneeeys. I like to get to the destination! Me I want to be a public health specialist!! Naye, there is no way of dodging the 'in between'. The place where all the work has to be done before the reward of completion.

Jesus was in the 'in between' in the garden of Gethsemane. He was heavy and he cried out to God to take away the cup of suffering. In Mtt 26: 42, He says something interesting:
“My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

I think I had forgotten that it wasn't easy for Jesus to die. It wasn't easy for Him to go through the excruciating pain that he knew awaited. It wasn't the easy path that He chose but He still went through with it. He went through with it. Some of you might think that it was easy because He knew that He would resurrect. He still had to go through the dying part.. The only way that cup was going away was if He drank it.

Thank You Lord for paying the price for my freedom even though it really cost You. Help me to remember that just because something feels hard for me to do and I may struggle, it does not mean that I should not do it. Help me to trust You in the difficulties and not be one that only takes the easy way out.

Do the work :-)

chill

This is just one happy dude. He looks all excited about the world like he just got back from the trenches in the war and walked into an air conditioned shopping mall with roller coasters. He even has a medal that shows he got credit for some of his hardship in the war. He is clearly on holiday - no gun/ sword/ pistol does he carry.

I have been like that dude in many ways:
- I feel victorious over battles fought and won. I even sometimes think I carry a medal that says something like: Grace struggled with that but its over now! She won.
- I walk around so easily drawn to things in this world, checking out this and that.
- I feel like oh! Now I don't have to be so different anymore! I can blend in with the civilians! The war is over.. Life goes on! Bring it on!

Today I realised that the war rages on. I realised that while I chal, the enemy advanced. He started encroaching again,using windows and doors I had opened. He came in disguised among the things I like. He almost regained my territory while I sat down shining my medals! He almost beat me. Not because I can not fight nor because I do not have a good commanding officer.. but because I stopped fighting.

The war is not over.

No more sleeping on job :-)

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
(1Pet 5:8-9)

Vineyards and vegetable gardens

I was listening to a speaker called Keith Moore a couple of months ago. It isn't something I usually do but my playlist was on shuffle and it turned out I had a couple of teachings on my laptop. He was speaking on Nabboth and king Ahab.(1 Kings 21)

Many of you might have heard the story before. King Ahab is the guy who was married to the famous Jezebel. Anyway, Ahab sees this nice vineyard besides his palace. It happened to belong to Nabboth. He asks Nabboth whether he can give it to him in exchange for a better one or sell it to him. Nabboth refuses because it was his family inheritance. What is interesting is that Ahab the KING then goes off and sulks! He doesn't eat or even leave his room for days(some sulking??!!) until his wife(read Jez the belle) asks him what the problem is. She tells him not to worry that she will fix it. She gets Nabboth killed and gives her sulky hubby the land he wanted for his vegetable garden.

It is almost hard to believe that a KING who owned soooooo much including fields, silver and gold, would go on a hunger strike/super sulk because he couldn't get the ONE piece of land next door. How often this happens to me! I become so conscious of what I don't have and fail to see what I have. Othertimes, I can see what I have but I fail to enjoy it because my mind is so focussed on what I don't.

This Nabboth story spoke to me majorly at a time in my life when certain things were not going according to plan. It all really hit me when my hubby was gone for about a week and I felt fake because I was by myself, had no job, had not made many friends and I felt like I was doing nothing with my life. God helped me realise that I had an 'Ahab mentality'. I thank Him for giving me perspective. I began to see how blessed I was and looking back now..I wonder what I was mopping about.

Help me Lord to always have perspective.

Give thanks and enjoy what you have:-)

more. extra. nyongeza

My first day at my faculty was a little surprising but nice. We were split into groups reflecting the different disciplines we were to discuss. The girl I sat next to said to me that she hadn't come prepared to use her brain given this is orientation week. I agreed with her! Anyway, we had to find someone to present our discussion points to the larger group. I should have volunteered but I didn't.

While in med school I heard people talk of a production that the Christian union was planning to raise money for ministry among patients in the hospital. There were frequent calls for people to join the drama team. I should have volunteered but I didn't.

Of course I could think of many, more serious examples where I know I could have done more. Sometimes it is so much easier to do just enough to meet people's expectations, to go over the bar that has been set. (For some strange reason, it is easy to miss the bar when the bar is our aim.) We analyse what everyone else is doing and once we have done as much as everyone else, we hang your tools and relax. 

I shared earlier that med school was no cup of tea for me. One day, I attended a conference where the speaker spoke on being excellent and diligent. I realised that in as much as things were hard, I wasn't doing MY best. Mine. Not anyone else's. MY BEST. I may not have been much of a reader but I was good with patients and in that area, I couldn't continue to be average when I knew that I could do better. I had to excel at what I did well. I went for my final semester determined to really,  really do MY best. I confess that in all my years of med school,(they were very many!) I have never done as well as I did in that semester.

There is a rather brief story in the Bible of 'The widow's offering' Mtt 21:1-4. Jesus said this of the widow who put into the collection 2 copper coins:

“I tell you the truth,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others."  

Interesting! She put in the least but she put in the most!!!! It made me realise that God does not just look at the face value of out input. One might be perceived as very punctual , hard working, friendly, spiritual or whatever by friends because they are 'better' than them in those areas but if you know you can do more, you should do more. Don't be afraid to bake a cake when everyone else is bringing crisps, to study longer hours when everyone else is asleep. And if what you are giving feels so little compared to everyone else- you just need to remember that yours is to give your best.

I should be done but I must mention my room-mate on campus. She was amazing. I would return from Med school to find the room sparkling clean with ALL my textbooks arranged in height order! (This wouldn't last long unfortunately as I had to read the books ;-) ) But she would do it with a cheerful spirit. Never fussed or complained. She could do more than I could.. and she did. Thanks Kyosh. Miss you.

Go the extra mile :-)

Yamawe!

Saturday was a big day in my life. I felt like a child on their first day of school- exciteeeed but neeeeeeeerrrrvous!    It was raining(as if in a movie) and I went for my first day at University as a post graduate student :-) Orientation week has begun. My husband escorted me, walked me to the huge lecture room and sat with me for the first fifteen minutes. I know you are thinking that I am spoilt and I agree that that is possibly true.

I was glad he did because I felt a little overwhelmed:
1. I knew NO ONE in this room of about 300-400 people! I am kinda tired of being a 'stranger'. After being here for over 6 months, I expected that I'd at least recognise one face but that was not to be.
2. I felt black. I know I am not supposed to notice but sometimes its too loud to ignore.
3. Bulikimu kiri ku computer!!! Gwe! EH! I even have a laptop so I am not generally considered computer illiterate naye!!! BULUKIMU!!(everything) I know it is supposed to be a good thing but everything??!!!! In order to know where you are supposed to be when, doing what, paying how much.. everything is online! There isn't one secretary somewhere that you can ask. Tewali noticeboards!
4. There is a lot of reading ahead and it looks like postgrad is veeeeeerrry different from undergrad.. God please wake up my brain.

I know I will get the hang of it. I will!

Just because.. it doesn't mean!

That right there sounds like a pretty meaningless expression.

I take cooking very seriously. I have been told before that when I am in the kitchen it's like I am doing an exam- I can be super intense!(sometimes). The husband was blessed by God with an amazing appetite but a rather analytical palate. He can tell when I missed an ingredient and I don't mean something as major as salt but just know, he can tell! I feel bad (really sad) when the final product tastes nothing like what I visualised and believe it or not- this has happened before. More than once. However, I am now a fan of cooking competition shows like Master Chef and I have learnt one thing:  a kitchen disaster does not mean that I am not a good chef!

Many of my friends know that some of my years in Med school were particularly hard. I remember walking into my father's office in my 4th year crying and telling him that I was done and wanted to stop doing medicine! He was quite shocked but I explained myself and almost had him convinced. Unfortunately(or fortunately?), all my work was undone when he went home and had a chat with my mum! It was so hard for me to believe it then.. On the days when I sat in the library failing to learn anything from the textbooks. The days when I sat in a tutorial wondering what everyone was talking about. The days on the ward when I wanted to stand at the back and pray that no one asked me a question. The day I was told off by my professor during an exam.. Yes, in those days, I would have found it hard to believe what I now know to be true: Just because I don't know that, it doesn't mean that I am stupid.

Oh how easy it is to let things or other people define us! To let having or not having a great job, money, a husband/boyfriend, things that we consider 'success' to make us come to conclusions about ourselves!

I heard this once: An orange tree is an orange tree regardless of whether it produces oranges or not. Producing oranges does not make it an orange tree. NO!! It produces oranges BECAUSE it already is, an orange tree.

Sometimes, you just need to get up and try again. Keep trying, keep going... Other times you just have to wait for the blooming season and concentrate on maxing whatever season you are in right now. The 'oranges' will come.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, 

           “In just a little while,he who is coming will come and will not   

            delay.

”And,

“But my righteous one will live by faith.
    And I take no pleasure
    in the one who shrinks back.”

 My God give us all the grace not to 'shrink back'. Not to shrink from responsibilities just because we failed before, from a chance of a good relationship because of a previous broken heart, applying for jobs because we weren't chosen at previous interviews, praying because it has been 'dry' before.. May we not be the ones that shrink back but those who stand firm in faith and are saved.